REASON #11207

LETTERS TO HOLLYWOOD

Dear Hollywood:

It's true, Hollywood. I am going on strike. No, don't look at me with those puppy-industry eyes. I need my space. And residuals. And something about watching "Desperate Housewives" on my phone.

It's a lonely road I'll be strolling down, Hollywood. The life of a union man isn't all rallies, Woody Guthrie songs, and Mafia ties. Being a union man means taking a long, hard look in the mirror, staring right into your own soul, and asking it, "Is what I'm fighting for worth leaving the country bereft of next week's 'Back To You?'"

I don't know the answer to that, Hollywood. We don't have television on the compound. But I do know this, yo: If you want a piece of Cagan before I go back to being a full-time writing enthusiast, as opposed to one who, you know, does it for a living, you gotta cowboy the "F" up. This strike could go on for 65 years. That's what my colorist told me, and Renee knows what she's talking about. She does Ray Romano's highlights.

So here are a few ideas for HUGE FOUR-QUADRANT RELATABLY HIP WITH A HEART movies, that I can have ready for you at 11:59 Sunday night. If, as Drew Carey has been known to say at the 99 cent cathouse, "The price is right." I'll take no less than One Million Dollars per idea. After all, this strike could potentially go on for 93 years. Or so says my numerologist. She should know. She was born under a 4 with a 9 rising.

Oh, I've only got titles. Just take my word for it, the scripts are KILLER.

1. PUPPY MAFIA
2. THE MAGICAL MR. SNEAKY
3. A NIGHT AT THE DAIRY FARM
4. DICE LIGHTNING: HIGH SCHOOL SPY
5. THE WISHING TRUCK
6. DOG ALMIGHTY
7. I'M JUST ANNIE (Okay, this one I have figured out. Sandra Bullock thinks she might be marrying the wrong guy, and she has to make a choice.)
8. THE TEAM THAT DID VERY WELL
9. STUFF I MADE UP CAME TRUE
10. DADDY DAY TRADER

You have my number, Hollywood. Blow me up.

Cheers,

Josh A. Cagan

PS: I see Jason Lee in, "The Wishing Truck," don't you? Call me!