REASON #11907

LETTER TO HOLLYWOOD

Dear Hollywood,

It was awe inspiring, Hollywood.

Thousands and thousands of writers, coming together in united solidarity. MY GOD, it was something. The length and breadth of the writing community, from the mighty, dripping-in-millions Apatows, to that barrista with a soul patch who's got a great take on a "Manimal" remake.

They were ALL there to let the fatcats and Mr. Monopolies of the world know that we're as mad as hell, and WE'RE. NOT. GONNA. TAKE IT. ANY. MORE!

WE. ARE. SPARTA!

I. AM. BEOWULF!!!!

Oh, Hollywood, you should have been there.

I wasn't.

I was home watching "Tyra" and waiting for my fever to break. In the war against the studios, I've been strictly 4F for the last few days. I'll make it up to the cause next week. I'll carry two signs.

Now from what I hear, it was a real corker of a rally. Heck, even America's favorite Sony-owned guitar slinging radical, Tom Morello, stopped by to remind everyone why he sang in neither Rage or Audioslave.

I felt a little like the kid who got sick on the day his class went on a field trip to the cookie and dreams factory. All of those other writers were having fun, and here I was, laid out on the stupid couch, drinking a stupid carton of stupid chicken broth like it was a Capri Sun.

Stupid everything.

I bet they had everything at that rally. I bet it was the funnest thing to do EVER in the entire history of fun. I bet it had...

I bet there was...

Oh, hell. I'm sure the rally was SO overwhelming awesome, it was all like...Like...Like...

...THIS! BEHOLD, THE RALLY OF MY DREAMS!

AREA "A": When you first walk in to the WGA strike rally, you report to the SAG hospitality tent, where Scarlett Johansson and Winnie from "The Wonder Years" hand you ice cold Manhattans and one of those chicken sandwiches from "Quiznos" with that awesome bacon cream sauce.

AREA "B": This is the speaker's tent, where Public Enemy (backed by Ted Leo, the Puppini Sisters, & Paul Shaffer and the World's Most Dangerous Band) BLOW OUR MINDS with their new jam, "Burn, Hollywood, Burn, But Specifically The Corporate Structure That Maintains The Antiquated Home Video and Streaming Video Residuals System Should Burn, And Did I Mention That They're Suckers?"

AREA "C": This is the DGA tent. It's empty right now, but they're gonna be here any minute. Pinky swear.

AREA "D": Harvard Lampoon Alumni Dunking Tent. They may run the entire entertainment industry, but that doesn't mean that they can't get a little damp for the cause! SPLASH! Look out, "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" creator Andy Borowitz! SPLOOSH! Better get your wetsuit, "The Office's" Mike Schur! DUNK! Hold your breath, every God-damned writer of "The Simpsons" since 1995! That water's mighty cold! Ha-Ha! (No, I'm just kidding. Hire me.)

AREA "E": More of those Quizno's sandwiches. Mm-mm-mm-mm! Toasty!

AREA "F": This is sort of a catch-all tent. I don't have the details together yet, but it involves masseuses, hot and cold running SSRI's, Steve Zallian and Ron Bass hot oil wrestling (For the ladies! A-WOO!), Chipwiches, and...Like, 250 Jewish moms flown in courtesy of the Washington Heights Hadassah League to just sort of circulate, hug the writers, give them soup, and tell them that everything's going to be all right, bubbeleh.

But maybe if you had taken that nice accounting job, like the Feinstein boy? Maybe you wouldn't be so fatootsed.

AREA "G": This is where we'll burn Nick Counter. In effigy. I said, "Effigy," right? Good. Good. Yeah. Effigy. Can't ACTUALLY burn a guy, that would be...Well, that would be just awful. Yeah. Effigy.

PHEW, Hollywood! That's quite an imaginary rally I missed! But I can go there right now! With the power of my imagination! And a little thing I like to call, "Tylenol PM and Maker's Mark."

Ah...Yeah...That's right, Winnie. More bacon sauce. That's right. I hear you like math. That's hot. Hot like this creamy bacon sauce.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Toastily Yours,

Josh A. Cagan