Snap in Your Area

Well, we've had fun, haven't we? Tip o' the hat to Team Plinky for letting me steer the canoe this week. And thanks to all of you who played along.



Extra special thanks to the few of you who took the time to write things like, "This is a stupid prompt," or, "I'm deeply offended by this prompt." God holds a special place in His Kingdom for those of you who choose to waste your own time by taking the time to tell someone you could just as easily ignore that they're wasting your time. All I can say is I hope you go there.



Soon.



Moving on!

From 1990 to 1998 I was in college. To quote Mike Nelson, "'That's your own damn fault,' you might say, and you'd be right." There might have been a year off in there for drinking, but really, it was certainly eight full years of living like a college student. And when you do that, there's a part of you that remains a college student for the rest of your life.



That part of me still eats Snap. Let us now praise the wonders of Snap.



Snap is what my idiot roommates and my idiot self called our mutant beans and rice recipe. This was the early 90's, and if you weren't ironically misappropriating hip-hop slang, brother, you weren't misappropriating. It started by us just using "snap" far too much in every day conversation. "Aw, snap, that class was difficult." "Aw, snap, I love Rolling Rock." Or, "Aw, snap, snappy, she snapped you in the snap."



It wasn't funny then, it's not funny now. We thought it was the height of post-modernism, but then again, we also drank Rolling Rock, so, you know, fuck us.



As evidenced by the third example of our brilliant patter, "Snap," became our "Smurf." An all purpose word that got thrown around randomly resulting in drunken chortles. One day, one of us cooked up our bi-weekly pot of beans and rice, and somebody else said, "Is that snap? Snap me the snap."



And for some reason, "Snap" ceased to be used for anything else BESIDES beans and rice. Then we all drank Rolling Rock and argued about Pavement. I don't miss the 90's.



So what is Snap, exactly? It bears no resemblance to any other beans & rice recipe I've encountered, and is more of a "Stone soup" type application. That is to say, whatever you have in the house that can, conceivably, go into it, goes into it.



It may not seem like a main course, but we certainly treated it as such. College was definitely a time where it was okay to eat side dishes as main dishes. It would not be out of the ordinary to see someone make a box of Stove Top Stuffing for dinner. Let's hear Asher Roth rap about THAT.



It was prepared two to three times a week in our house, and was eaten hot out of a bowl for dinner, re-heated for breakfast the next day with eggs served over it, and then possibly eaten cold in a tortilla for lunch. Or, drunk at 3 in the morning. It is cheap, deeply aesthetically unappealing, and freaking delicious.



I still make it once a month, as my wife is a fan of it's work. For years my mom has bugged me for the recipe, as she's also a fan. I've never given it to her, as there isn't a recipe, really. It's a lot of dumping things into things and drinking beer. But it's a lazy Sunday here in Hollywoodland, USA, so let's give it a shot.



SNAP (basic recipe)



1 can of Black Beans (not drained)

1 Onion

5 cloves of garlic (minced)

2 large carrots, shredded

1 bell pepper, diced

1 jalapeno, diced

2 tsp cumin

2 tsp chili powder

2 tsp dried oregano

1 Chinese take-out container of rice.

(I could never cook rice. My roommates could. Now, I use the Trader Joe's brown rice in the microwavable pouch. Healthy!)

Salt & Pepper

Hot Sauce

Salsa

A fistful of shredded cheese

Beer



Heat up some oil over medium-high heat in the large stovetop vessel of your choice. Over the years, we've used oil, butter, bacon drippings, or a combination of all three. I'm sure there were a few times we used no oil of any sort, and those times were called, "A night at Taco Bell."



Once the oil's hot, throw in the carrots, onions and peppers, along with the spices. A word on the spices: I've never measured anything ever for Snap. So, you know, whatever. Salt and pepper to taste as well.



Saute the veggies until softened. Throw in the garlic, and cook until fragrant. If you've worked up a little brown stuff on the bottom of the pan, deglaze with beer. I've also used dry vermouth or broth to do this. The advantage to beer is that you can continue to drink it as you cook. Unless you enjoy sipping a tall glass of vermouth or chicken broth. Free country.



Add the beans, and knock the heat down to medium. Have some salsa? Dump it in. Some hot sauce? Do that shit up RIGHT. Cook until someone's like, "Is it fucking ready yet?" Or until the bean liquid has mostly cooked off. Add the rice, and stir. Let the rice heat up, and then turn off the heat. Toss in a handful of cheese, and stir until it melts.



That's it. That's Snap. It will look grey. Don't let that bum you out. A friend of mine referred to it alternately as "Slop," "Robocop food," and "Mush." We're not friends anymore, and that makes the Snap even more delicious.



Serve any damn way you want for breakfast, lunch or dinner. Recently, I discovered that if you add broth to the leftovers, it's an acceptable black bean soup. Cold leftovers can also be used to patch drywall.



And that's that. Eat. Enjoy. Rinse. Repeat. And whatever you do, don't forget to see "Bandslam," August 14th.



Aw, snap.